Escapism

The online thesaurus from microsoft word lists the below when you type "escapism" and hit the enter key: "diversion, distraction, pastime, leisure activity, getting away from, dodging, avoidance". When you enter the word "grief" the results are: "sorrow, heartache, anguish, pain, misery, unhappiness, angst, woe, joy (Antonym)".

It seems clear to me that a certain amount of escapism is surely acceptable infact more to the point sensible, to help me to orientate successfully the river of grief that now lies within me. And clearly amongst grief - there is joy! What a revelation of my new life. You cannot escape grief and nor would you want to when you start to learn that it is like a hand print on your soul from those you have lost.. it would appear grief is becoming my friend and I have accepted this gift whilst using a fair amount of handpicked escapism. I have always maintained - when you are fussy you only end up with the best.

Jacky visited me last week. She came to me in the middle of the night whilst I was laying on my mattress in the middle of twelve beautiful sleeping children. I was parent help on Marthas school camp. Of course my Jacky would come to me then. She adored our school and our tamariki. It was a lucid coversation we had, Jacky and I. She told me of how she was fine and that all she wanted for me was happiness. She told me how she knew that I was strong enough to be the mother that Pirika and Martha needed in this life and that as long as I was happy, and my babys were happy that this was all that mattered. There was more conversation and I was able to ask questions of her and she gave me answers.

Jacky was an incredible mother. Being the "last Mama standing" has been overwhelming for me in that I have felt on a daily basis - inadequate. My own insecurity. How could I possibly be up to par - Jacky is a hard act to follow, on any level. She was a DIVINE mother. However accepting my role in this, that I must be able to be great!, or else I would not be here, has been a lesson that I have spent the last 6 weeks learning, and will go on learning as a mother until the day that I too finish with breath.

So escapism which has always held a negative connotation for me is now a tool that when used with raw emotion and reality appears to lead to joy. And if I have learnt one thing from the death of my beautiful Jacky Sinclair-Phillips, it is that I will live my life allowing my heart to sing! Again my wife, Thank you.