Damn this grief

You can't escape it. Or even forget it for a second. The loss of my soul mate is too huge. Too big babe - this wasn't the plan. Sometimes you are able to surface and breathe and then the depth of sadness pulls you down again and I find myself drowning in it - in my own tears. I yearn to see Jacky. I yearn to be held by her. I yearn to see her smile. I yearn to hear her voice, even just to have a cup of tea with her. How I yearn for you my love. I do my crying when my children are asleep or when there are snippets of moments when they are busy. Don't get me wrong I cry with them too - we are real and we share grief. However it is my job to carry them through this. I am the Mama left in this world. Their rock. And I cannot add to their grief by pouring mine on top of it. I hold them and tell them constantly that we will all be fine. We will miss Mama forever but that she is fine and we will be too. We talk about how to find joy in each day, and I do for them. All the whilst feeling completely lost and alone in this, grief. The long long road of my life stretches before me and being unable to see the end and knowing I have to walk this road without my one true love by my side is daunting. Thank the heavens for our Children Jacky - thank the universe for Timoti, for Renee, for our precious Pirika and our sweet beautiful Martha whom every day are walking living reminders of You - and of us. The Sinclair-Phillips whanau. What a superb whanau we created. Sunday today - 20 days since you took your last breath here baby. How did our first 20+ years dissappear more quickly than the last 20 days have? Today we will go and visit friends and find joy - again. It is my only goal in life now. To find joy for Pirika and Martha in each day. And through them - I will receive joy. XO..