And then there was joy!

It surprised me - the first time I laughed till my sides hurt - after Jacky died. I actually had stared at a coca cola advert that is plastered on the side of a hotel in Durham Street several times on my way to hospital and had pondered the thought that I would probably never feel happy again. The bill board was based on the word HAPPINESS and it was squashed into a coke bottle and spilling out the top showering slender happy healthy people who were dancing in coca cola. It seemed as if happiness were as unreal as the bill board to me at that time - and it was. However joy has found its way into my heart again, or I have chosen to let it in. I have been constantly astounded at the places from which love has been arriving for us. Our beautiful friends, our community, our school, our whanau have been cradeling us - wrapping us in a wonderful blanket woven gently with Love. And how warm and soft it is. So along with joy - I have a new sense of being blessed, more than I have ever felt before. I was having a coversation with one of our dearests last weekend and we were sharing Jacky feelings and I found myself proclaiming "I feel more powerful now in my life than I have ever felt since Jacky died and I know that this is a gift she left me". Big statement. Sigh. And its true. Our dear friend looked me in the eye and said "I bet you do because so do I and she was only my friend". How my heart grew with this chat. To have joy amongst such deep grief you need to allow yourself to be. Anything. Feel. Anything. There are no rules and there are no right ways or wrong ways. This part of journey for me is just about being. Nothing more nothing less. Being so that I have room to laugh until my sides hurt. And so that I may continue to love like I have never been hurt, this one is tricky and I am not sure possible however I will always dance in the rain. Storms have always been my favourite kind of weather. I love you Jacky. Thank you Thank you Thank you. xo