The truth about "doing so well"

Grief nailed me today, to my reality. Out of the blue it came. Again. I had just finished a great coffee session with some beautiful friends at our local cafe. I was told of how well I was doing and how inspiring I am, in the way I am getting on with life. We chatted and we laughed. I told them of our weekend in Taranaki. It was a beautiful time with whanau. I spoke of how I get it now - I finally understand the need to be near your loved ones final resting place. I had always believed that it is just the body that remains, that there is nothing left of the person who has died, so had thought it did not matter if you could not get to visit graves frequently. Now, no place feels better to me now than sitting in the urupa next to my wifes lovely bones. It is where I belong. Where one day I will end up too. We finished our coffee date and I came home. And then whamo. Like a freight train through me it came. With our children out playing with their cousins I seized the opportunity and allowed grief to take me. I will cry openly around my Martha and Pirika however I will not let grief assault me when they are present. Grief rapes. Takes you when you are unwilling and rams it's pain into you. So alone, I stared it in the face. "Come on you bastard, give it to me". And it did. I cried from the bottom of my feet. I hurt. I wailed. I yelled. I hit a wall - literally. I felt angry and completely and utterley sorry for myself. I felt weak and I felt alone. More alone than I have ever felt. I felt guilty for "doing so well". For feeling joy, for even feeling. I felt abandoned. "Why?" I yelled "why why why why why?". Grief does not give back in its assault. When it was done I was left on my bedroom floor. Tear stained, violated by memories of struggle and pain, and again, alone. To be separated permanently from the person I had planned my life around, from my soul mate - hurts. It is a pain that I would wish on no one - however we will all feel this if we are blessed to have truly loved. I miss my Jacky. Every day. I work hard to find joy and to laugh. Every day. "She aint coming back" is a mantra I repeat over and over and over. It helps me. In Jackys place is grief. Sometimes my friend who brings insight and revelations. Today my perpertrator. It is what it is. All I have to do is breathe. Joy will find it's way back in. I can feel it in the distance already.