I am still in shock and can hardly believe that I am really sitting here updating Jackys hikoi with this post. My dear darling wife died the same day that buddah had died. I was holding her in my arms and we were looking into each others eyes as she breathed her last breath for this life time. It was 4.26am 15th February.
I have suffered loss before. I have known heart ache and pain. However nothing could have ever prepared me for this loss of my Soul Mate. Jacky was and is my best friend. My lover. My confidante. Super Mama to our babies. My rock in this life. My greatest fan and my unconditional supporter. She told me every day of how she thought I was "so beautiful". Even when I was in an ass of a mood, or truly looked like shit, my dear sweet wife adored me. She was a calming influence in any situation and always installed the belief in me that all would be ok.
On the 5th of January this year it was the 29th memoriam of my own mothers death, I had a cloud of grief sit across me. For Mum and for the health crisis that Jacky was living with.
Jacky was laying in her hospital bed in our bedroom that we had turned into the "healing room". She was incredibly unwell and often in pain that we could not control, but as always positive and focused on her health improving. We had had our breakfast together and I had taken in our cups of tea. I was sitting on the single bed opposite her and I started weeping. I felt out of control and terrified. Jacky asked me "whats wrong my babe?" I replied "I feel like we are on a life raft in the middle of huge seas and I can't see land anywhere". My darling wife burst into tears and cried for the next 15 or so minutes. God I felt like such an asshole that I had been weak and had upset her when I was supposed to be her rock. I apologised over and over and held her wishing I could take my insensitive words back. Then she stopped crying and she looked right into me and she said "there is a ship coming for us babe, and as long as we know that, we will be alright".
The strength and belief in love that Jacky had was unparalelled. She never panicked. She believed in and loved people. Jacky challenged my beliefs and my views for over 20 years so that I could grow more and would not remain restricted by my own insecurities. She believed that I could do anything and she helped me through many a dark day. She made me laugh like no other. And made me love beyond what I thought was possible. She forgave me for anything and she always had superb manners. I married the kindest person in all of the world and in turn am the luckiest woman in all of the world.
But this pain, this god awful numbness that sits within me that makes me feel dead inside is the price that I must pay now this devine human has physically left this world. Time wont make this better. I will adjust and get used to this feeling. However nothing will make this better. Jacky wanted to live. She had so many plans, we shared so many visions. She was by no means finished here and what she could have continued to do for so so many will now never be done.
I grieve for her dreams, more than my own I think. I am grateful - so so grateful - for the love and support that has been shown to me and our children, and I wish more than anything that this love could take away the pain of our loss, but it doesn't.
I have had two people say to me "well at least your children have another Mama". Oh how I wish they hadn't of been so ignorant. As if having me here makes up for the loss of Mama Jacky. It doesn't. And I am insulted albeit unintentionally by such a silly statement. Would you say to a parent who had two children and one had just died - "well at least you have another child..". I wouldn't. I guess it is that when people dont know what to say they feel they need to say something. It's a good lesson to learn that when you don't know what to say - say nothing.
I was told that I needed to wallow in self pity - that it was a healthy stage of grief. Perhaps this is it?
I have decided to bring Jackys hikoi blog back to life so that it may be a channel of expression for me, and for Pirika and Martha should they wish to write here. So that some of this pain has an outlet. So that when I feel my lonliest I can sign in and be 'speaking' to someone. I do not expect anything back. I do not need comments or reassurance. I just need to be real and as I have always done in this life I need to let emotion run through me, and I hope that one day it wont hurt quite this much.
Jacky would want me to look for the positives in this situation. "Come on babe" she would say. Infact I feel her presence around me all of the time helping me through this.
So my sweet Love, here are the three positives that I have taken so far from losing you my darling, from this life time.
1. I never have to go through this pain again.
2. I no longer, in anyway, fear death.
and
3. I continue to feel blessed that Pirika and Martha are the two most gorgeous kind strong loving children I have ever come across in this life time. We made delicious babes my love, and I will live til I am an old woman protecting them, nourishing them and finding joy in each day for them.
Ka kite,
Viv Sinclair-Phillips
Saturday, February 27, 2010
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