Rest in Peace Beautiful Jacky Sinclair-Phillips

I am still in shock and can hardly believe that I am really sitting here updating Jackys hikoi with this post. My dear darling wife died the same day that buddah had died. I was holding her in my arms and we were looking into each others eyes as she breathed her last breath for this life time. It was 4.26am 15th February.
I have suffered loss before. I have known heart ache and pain. However nothing could have ever prepared me for this loss of my Soul Mate. Jacky was and is my best friend. My lover. My confidante. Super Mama to our babies. My rock in this life. My greatest fan and my unconditional supporter. She told me every day of how she thought I was "so beautiful". Even when I was in an ass of a mood, or truly looked like shit, my dear sweet wife adored me. She was a calming influence in any situation and always installed the belief in me that all would be ok.
On the 5th of January this year it was the 29th memoriam of my own mothers death, I had a cloud of grief sit across me. For Mum and for the health crisis that Jacky was living with.
Jacky was laying in her hospital bed in our bedroom that we had turned into the "healing room". She was incredibly unwell and often in pain that we could not control, but as always positive and focused on her health improving. We had had our breakfast together and I had taken in our cups of tea. I was sitting on the single bed opposite her and I started weeping. I felt out of control and terrified. Jacky asked me "whats wrong my babe?" I replied "I feel like we are on a life raft in the middle of huge seas and I can't see land anywhere". My darling wife burst into tears and cried for the next 15 or so minutes. God I felt like such an asshole that I had been weak and had upset her when I was supposed to be her rock. I apologised over and over and held her wishing I could take my insensitive words back. Then she stopped crying and she looked right into me and she said "there is a ship coming for us babe, and as long as we know that, we will be alright".
The strength and belief in love that Jacky had was unparalelled. She never panicked. She believed in and loved people. Jacky challenged my beliefs and my views for over 20 years so that I could grow more and would not remain restricted by my own insecurities. She believed that I could do anything and she helped me through many a dark day. She made me laugh like no other. And made me love beyond what I thought was possible. She forgave me for anything and she always had superb manners. I married the kindest person in all of the world and in turn am the luckiest woman in all of the world.
But this pain, this god awful numbness that sits within me that makes me feel dead inside is the price that I must pay now this devine human has physically left this world. Time wont make this better. I will adjust and get used to this feeling. However nothing will make this better. Jacky wanted to live. She had so many plans, we shared so many visions. She was by no means finished here and what she could have continued to do for so so many will now never be done.
I grieve for her dreams, more than my own I think. I am grateful - so so grateful - for the love and support that has been shown to me and our children, and I wish more than anything that this love could take away the pain of our loss, but it doesn't.
I have had two people say to me "well at least your children have another Mama". Oh how I wish they hadn't of been so ignorant. As if having me here makes up for the loss of Mama Jacky. It doesn't. And I am insulted albeit unintentionally by such a silly statement. Would you say to a parent who had two children and one had just died - "well at least you have another child..". I wouldn't. I guess it is that when people dont know what to say they feel they need to say something. It's a good lesson to learn that when you don't know what to say - say nothing.
I was told that I needed to wallow in self pity - that it was a healthy stage of grief. Perhaps this is it?
I have decided to bring Jackys hikoi blog back to life so that it may be a channel of expression for me, and for Pirika and Martha should they wish to write here. So that some of this pain has an outlet. So that when I feel my lonliest I can sign in and be 'speaking' to someone. I do not expect anything back. I do not need comments or reassurance. I just need to be real and as I have always done in this life I need to let emotion run through me, and I hope that one day it wont hurt quite this much.
Jacky would want me to look for the positives in this situation. "Come on babe" she would say. Infact I feel her presence around me all of the time helping me through this.
So my sweet Love, here are the three positives that I have taken so far from losing you my darling, from this life time.
1. I never have to go through this pain again.
2. I no longer, in anyway, fear death.
and
3. I continue to feel blessed that Pirika and Martha are the two most gorgeous kind strong loving children I have ever come across in this life time. We made delicious babes my love, and I will live til I am an old woman protecting them, nourishing them and finding joy in each day for them.

Ka kite,

Viv Sinclair-Phillips

Blogging out

Greetings beautiful people.. as above we are blogging out for now. Not sure when the next update will be as life has just gotten so damn busy, in a manner of speaking.

Wishing you all a safe and prosperous festive season and may you be blessed with good health, alot of laughter and may those you love receive the same.
Needless to say Jackys hikoi to health will go on and on and on and on and on.. and we will blog back in again at some stage.

In the words of Winston Churchill:

"If you are going through hell, keep going."

and

"Never, never, never give up"

Warmest love,
Jacky, Viv, Pirika and Martha Sinclair-Phillips xxoo..

There will always be enough

It just feels right to give Thanks this morning. Jacky and I have always believed we are blessed and that we have much to give Thanks for.
It is 6.39 am Friday 25th November. Jacky is in hospital and Kas was her sleep over mate last night. Thank you Kas.
Since her major surgery 31st July it has felt right that each night she has been in hospital we have a close friend or family member stay overnight with her, and ward 14 have always been accomodating for us in this manner. Yesterday a spare bed was brought into Jackys room which will make a welcome change from the electric blue vinyl lazy boy chair that I have spent so many nights awake in. Thank you Ann and the nursing staff of ward 14, for everything.
Thank you Pen, Rhonda, Chox, Meegan, Janine and Deb for doing the over night vigils whilst we travelled hell in ward 23, and all of the other things that individually and together we could thank you all for. Thank you Jem for your boys, and your Dad, and for the compassion, dedication and love that you threw around us and still do. Thank you Sam. Thanks dear Amber for being a constant light and source of beautiful energy that Jacky has always adored. Thanks Em, Bern and kids for being our favourite town stop over, for just being there Em, for so long now. Thanks Mim for the music and for understanding, or trying really hard to, and for the play dates - whenever we can fit them in. Thank you sister Jan for the love. Thank you Tristin, Matty and Mills for being yummy neighbours and for 'baking' baby Monty, and of course the massage, the healing massage. Thanks Gez for being the big guy that always backs my wife and I, and for co creating two of our shortest and lovliest friends. Thanks Sue and Chris for the chocolate fondue, and the scarves with the softest feel in the world - how they have cradled both Jacky and my necks from winds. Thanks Emmarina for being the most staunch, soft and beautiful woman that you are. Thanks Laura for turning up just when we needed you. Thanks Reuben for always being a rock for Jacky and I no matter what, Jacky adores you, and you and me - well we have an understanding eh? ;) Thanks to all the whanau here and those who are not here physically, but are in spirit -Jacky gets great strength from you all, and so do I. Thank you to Roger and the team at Waikuku School who have proven that you cannot beat a small country school for heart and warmth and who have cradled Pirika and Martha through this journey to date. Thanks to everyone in our community who has baked, cooked and nourished our whanau - the out pouring of love has been incredible, and something we will all never forget. I would want to mention you all and can think of at least a dozen more names right now, but do not want to risk offending anyone by missing them out - you know who you are and so do we, and we deeply and sincerely Thank you for caring for Jacky and for us all. Thank you to everyone who has given to us in so many ways from kai to financially sponsoring Jackys hikoi/journey that we share with her.. we honestly could never Thank you all enough.
On that note - I will sign off. Much to do, get ourselves ready for school and then off to ward 14 as Jacky and I have a meeting with Fiona the Maori Health advocate at 10am today. Big day today, on many levels.
I feel I had better quote Jacky as this is her blog...I'm just a fill in - trying to do her justice...
" There is a Maori proverb that encompasses my passion which is “He aha te mea nui o te ao? He tangata, He tangata, He tangata” – “What are the most important things, tis people, tis people, tis people.” "

Ward 14 ChCh hospital,

Tomorrow morning Thursday 26th November - Jacky is going to be re admitted to ward 14 Christchurch public hospital. She has chosen to do this herself (in consultation with our family GP) as she really desperately needs to get her health sorted,or more specifically right now her leg sorted. It seems that the wait to see a specialist privately is a longer journey that it is to be readmitted into the public system to hopefully get the clarity she needs on her health - to plan a way forward. Jacky has lost the use of her right leg and is, as predicted by the Auckland Drs, in agony with it. She had a scan on Monday that confirmed the DVT is "persisting" - or hasn't gone away. The fact that this DVT could have ended Jackys life was a huge blow to us both. How many times does one have to face mortality? I was told today that we face our mortality each day when we awake - perhaps - but not as my Jacky is having to face hers seemingly over and over and over. And I detest it! Damn this situation. Damn this cruel pain for haunting my love, whom I still believe IS the kindest person in the world. How can this be fair? It can't. That is the plain and simple truth of it. It cannot.
Today I found the elusive Maori advocate health worker - infact I found an entire team of advocates there to awhi and tautoko (support) Maori patients in ChCh hospital. Jacky and I were told the last time she was in hospital that there was no Maori health advocate in ChCh hospital. I had a lengthy conversation with a woman named Fiona who was staunch, proud and convicted in her manner. All traits that I respect. She assured me and reassured me that her and her team would look after Jacky if she were admitted again, and that they would make sure that all of Jackys needs would be met and, that this time there would be "no bullshit". Her colourful use of language only came about in response to my own as I relayed the reasons why Jacky already has cause for a huge health and disability case against the CDHB.
I pray with every part of my being that this time the medical oath of "first cause no harm" and the word "care" will come literally into play. At least in ward 14 under the charge of superbly professional charge nurse Ann, there is a team of genuinely lovely people who do genuinely care for our Jacky, Pirika and Martha and our whanau.
My mum used to say "where there is a will there is a way". Jacky and I have lived our lives by that simple mantra. Plenty of will - just gotta find the way.
As always - Jacky enters this next part of her journey with positive enthusiasm and is looking forward to moving forward, and to being well again.
Warmly loving you all and eternally grateful for the aroha and support you give us.

xo

misadventures

Kia ora all,
here I am standing at an internet kiosk on level 5 of Auckland hospital.. at my feet there is a sign that says clearance sale and underneath this, a few random items for sale - one of which is a wall plaque that reads
"the significant problems that we face cannot be solved by the same level of thinking that created them - Albert Einstein"..
how timely to be looking for answers, and finding this little pearl of wisdom at my feet.
Jacky has DVT or blood clots, in laymans terms, in her right leg. The Drs up here believe this is a result of her 2nd and most major surgery. It is their oppinion that Jacky should have been put of blood thinning drugs as a precautionary measure after the big 31at July surgery,and that if so, she would not have ended up in this situation. Just yet another example of how ChCh hospital has failed Jacky. This "over sight" perhaps, has resulted in Jacky being in intense pain from the DVT, laying in her bed in room 6, ward 73 in this very hospital, with blood thinning drip, IV antibiotics and back on pain relief - which as nasty as it can be, is somewhat of a welcome relief.
This morning we were told by a seemingly lovelyDr/specialist named Jonathon "if I were in charge of your care Jacky there would be a number of things that I would be doing that do not appear to have been carried out in ChCh".. I questioned him on this and he gave us some ideas of how to best manage this when we get back south. I questioned "how could it be that ChCh hospital and the "specialists"caring for Jacky there could have missed the DVT when she has had so many scans and even a full body MRI?" The response was "we cannot comment on that". Of course not - how could one DHB comment on the failings of another, it would not be politically correct to do so.
Again the plaque at my feet rings true in my mind:
"The significant problems that we face cannot be resolved by the same level of thinking that created them" Thank you for the confirmation Mr Einstein - Jacky had already decided that the main specialist who has lorded his egotisical power and cold manner over Jackys "care" for months now - will no longer be doing so. Indeed Mr D - it is time for a new level of thinking. You in your own words had your "one bite at the cherry", infact you had two. Time for a new level of thinking to find resolution and a way back to health.
Are we dissappointed in Wolf not picking up the DVT.. yes. However he did pick up that there was a build up in Jackys groin which is where the clot has risen too from her calf muscle. Still there is an element of disappointment that cannot be denied. It does no one any good to wallow in such emotions though.
Jacky told me this morning - "I could go there babe, easily feel like that, but I cannot afford to. What I need to do is to stay calm, breathe and focus on getting through this."
The Drs here have said that Jacky will probably be discharged Monday (tomorrow), if her bloodwork is reacting to the drugs successfully, and have said that the focus is on stopping the DVT rising further - not on getting rid of it altogether. They have also said that there is no problem Jacky flying home to ChCh as long as her blood is thinned sufficiently. Does that make me anxious - hell yes, however anxiety has become a part of our being, so I will listen internally and monitor the level of mine and Jackys anxiety and we will make decisions based on what feels right. Ultimately Jackys decision. Your intuition rarely fails to let you down we have discovered. Listening outwardly, often lets you down. Life - the great balancing act as Dr Suess described it, in one of our favourite childrens books "Oh the places you'll go".
So, herein is the update - where Jacky is at. If you have her number - txt your LOVE to her, she will enjoy hearing from you. If you don't get a reply, it's just that she has a couple of things on at the moment. Rest assured she will be sending her love right back.
We miss you, all. We long for normalness, for laughter, for our own beds, for our friends and southern whanau, for good drinking water from our taps, for our animals, for fresh easterlies and the sound of the surf filtering through the trees at Waikuku.
For now, over and out. Warmly, on behalf of Jacky, me and all of Us xxoo...

Auckland hospital today

Just when we think the physical journey is over... Jacky was this morning admitted to Auckland hospital. Her nephrostomy tubes have stopped working, they may have become blocked due to an infection.. so tonight or late this afternoon Pirika, Martha and I fly to Auckland. Don't know much else so far - except that Jacky is feeling pretty good, is calm and can't wait to see her children :)
Watch this space. I will update this when I can.
Keep the healing prayers, vibes, meditations coming - please.
Warm love, Us all

Great news is that Jackys hip has stopped dislocating! The relief of which is intense for her. The negative of this is that as soon as her femur settled into it's hip joint, her leg started swelling from the foot right up to her hip and she was in a lot of pain from this. This however has rectified itself - or Jacky has healed this by massage, more movement now she is able to (slightly), drinking lots of horsetail tea, and the magic of Serrapeptase has raised it's head in glory! It really was a beautiful discovery that particular butterfly.
With much discussion we have decided that the easiest mode of transport home for Jacky will be a plane, so tomorrow she is heading to Auckland to stay for two nights with her big sister and Chox is going along as well.
Pirika, Martha and myself tomorrow morning take the hikoi wagon and start our journey south. We will have one overnight stop in Taranaki with Poppa. It will be the first time in more than twenty years that I would have ever been in Taranaki without Jacky. I cried at the idea of two days away from my love, when it has been such a battle to keep her alive whilst in hospital, and to help her regain health since. However, I'm not silly and do realise that this definitely will be easier for her, as well as the fact that two nights in Auckland with Patti, and Chox as well, will be alot of fun and make for warm sister memories.
Jacky flies home late Thursday night, and me and the littles should arrive in Waikuku Beach sometime during the early hours of Thursday morning. It is with mixed emotion that we will leave this beautiful place, there is no doubt about that.
Our dear friends here who have cocooned us with absolute love and care. Sheila, Simon, Ms Nik who have visited us during our stay in Thames. All of those we love who live in Auckland whom we haven't been able to catch up with and wished we could have - you know who you are!
Dear Piki only 2 hours drive away.
Wolf being so close by with his age old wisdom and ability to transform pain and dis ease into something else altogether. The learnings of which we will never forget and of which have changed us fundamentally from here on out. May blessings continue to fall upon you Wolf.
The glorious warmth that is always a part of the weather here - even when the locals believe it to be cold!
The citrus, never ending, plump, healthy and full of juice.
The bush - the incredible gift of Tane Mahuta that is still everywhere up here in the north.
The sweet serene bays that you could dive into in a heartbeat and the fish that you so easily pull from the same bays. The stingrays.
Ae, it is with mixed emotion that we leave and head for home. However the love of home will soften these yearnings, as will the delicious folk in our village who are our dear dear ones. Yes Kuku - here we come and we look forward to breathing you in, and sinking into you again.
The physical part of Jackys hikoi is nearly over, however this is really just a chapter, this journey will be never ending we feel, and it is a good good hikoi.

Warmly, Viv, Jacky, Pirika and Martha xxoo

PS - our Darcy - we will be home for your birthday. It would be lovely to see you. We love you. xo